12.31.2010

What A Decade It's Been

With the end of 2010 comes the end of a decade and the starting of a new one.   The majority of this decade wasn't the happiest for me.  Let's re cap shall we:
  • 2000-I am two years post college graduation and working in claims.  I dislike my job but in the years to come I will grow to HATE it.  I'm living with my fiance who also happens to have been my first boyfriend in our 2nd tiny apartment in as many years.
  • 2002- After 4 years dating and 3 years engaged we finally make the mistake of getting married.  The seven years spent procrastinating on said action should have been a hint of things to come. 
  • 2003-I am miserable and become very depressed.  My marriage sucks.  We don't communicate and we don't even like each other anymore.  I'm still working in claims and hating life more and more with each passing day.  The job is killing me but I would be taking a huge pay cut if I left and I had no idea what else I could do.
  • 2004-Right before Christmas we separate.  I am too thin and he accuses me of having an eating disorder.  My weight hits an all time low.  We agree the relationship has run it's course.  I am on anti depressants, going to therapy and am sad and exhausted all the time.  We actually had a deposit down on a condo but I had to call and cancel everything. 
I spent a lot of nights at home alone

My cozy condo
  • 2005-I buy a condo on my own and move into my own place in February and start to rebuild my life.  I'm living alone for the first time and I like it.  I can't take the stress anymore so I walk into work one day and quit my claims job of 6 years with no gig lined up and no plans.  What was I thinking?  I am too broke to buy a single Christmas present for anyone.  This is also the year I meet MT and we begin a sort of relationship.  I am still often sad and isolate myself alone a lot in my condo.   The divorce is finalized.
    First portfolio shoot 2006
  • 2006-I finally had the time to pursue modeling, which I'd been wanting to do for a while.  Turns out I was so beloved at my claims job they didn't want to let me go.  They offered me a part time position temporarily that stretched into a whole year.  I make so much that my hourly rate is still enough to keep me going along with modeling gigs.  I call the shots.  I work 24 hours a week for the next year and model.  Uh...working part time is awesome!  I'm so glad I had a chance to do that.  My big sis and I get out and do a lot of fun things together.  I didn't have a lot of friends so it was great having her as a best friend.  She moved out of state for a boy at the end of the year.  I smiled on the outside but no one really knew the extent of my sadness.  I was (and still am) so hard on myself.  I felt like a bit of a loser for wasting so much time in claims, not having a career, and for not really doing as well in modeling and acting as I'd have liked.  It felt like nothing I did was ever good enough. 
From Top Left Clockwise:  Vegas, Cruise with big sis 2006
  • 2007-The money is running out and my part time position has ended-I stayed there for 7 years in all!  I haven't hit the big time and I need health insurance.  It's time to go back to full time work.  I find an office job at a college making about $12,000 a year less then I did working full time in Claims.   I am bummed out to have to quit modeling and lingering depression still haunts me.  After two years of sort of dating MT I find out he is totally married, and I totally end it with him.  He is only the second guy I have ever dated in my life so I really just didn't know any better.  There is a phone conversation with yelling and hanging up.  Such drama.  He helped me through a hard time and is still a friend to this day but I am not the home wrecker type.  End of story.  I meet a hot guy from Atlanta on My Space.  We meet up in Vegas for the first time and he flies me out to visit him in Atlanta.  Potentially scary and creepy but it actually turned out ok.  He was not "the one" but he helped me get over Married guy and was a big confidence booster.  My big sis got married and had a small wedding in Vegas.
Clockwise from Top Left:  2008-Camping Trip, Casino Weekend Getaway,
 Las Vegas, County Fair
  • 2008-I meet the love of my life in March.  The man who would change my life.  He spoiled me.  We went camping, we went to Vegas, and he bought me things.  I was having the the best time ever getting to know him but even still I tried to push him away.  I still don't like myself enough to believe that I am worthy.  We find out he will be deployed and Eight months after meeting he leaves for a year overseas.  We had already decided we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.  The guy gave me a giant promise/engagement ring after four months!  Smitten much?  Well so was I!  And the happiness that has eluded me for so many years is finally mine for the taking.  After Christmas he's gone.  All of our plans have come to a screeching halt.  I won't see him again for 7 months. 
Christmas 2008
  • 2009-I basically spent this year missing Mj, trying to keep busy and missing Mj.  I'm beginning to hate my job again so I  transfer to a new office.  I keep myself occupied by starting this blog.  I wrote away happily even though I had no followers and I worked on learning Spanish with Rosetta Stone.  I visit my big sis in NC, I hang out with friends and family.  My illustrious modeling career is capped off with a Top 5 Finish in the Joe's Next Model contest.  A memorable experience and a welcome distraction.  Mj comes home for a visit in July and then onto the home stretch until he is home for good in November.  I turned in my 2nd leased Jeep and bought a Honda in cash causing a near nervous breakdown.   I am overcome with anxiety and I'm not sure if it's because I've been without Mj so long, I'm afraid of all the changes that happen when he gets back or both.  What if I can't shake these awful feelings?  How are we going to accomplish everything we want to in the coming year? When he finally came home he made everything ok.  He moved in with me and talked me down from the ledge.  We went to Delaware in December where I met his parents for the first time and we set about building our life together.  

My B day with the 'rents  April 09.
    Visit with Big Sis N. Carolina May 2009


    We meet up with J who also lives in NC. 
    She's the one who hooked up me and hubby.


    July 2009 Visit.  We go to Vegas and enjoy every day we have together
    My baby is home for good!!  Nov 2009
    If you are still reading you now know everything you wanted to know about the last decade of my life and more.  I am a totally different person today then I was 10 years ago.  I beat my depression, and still err on the side of thin but I feel much better about myself and my life in general and I finally know what it's like to be happy.  What a freaking concept!  2010 clearly deserves it's own post so I won't touch on that here but suffice it to say that since 2008 things just got better and better for me.  


      14 comments :

      1. you have had quite the decade! So glad it has all ended with a beautiful romance. :)

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      2. I'm so sorry you had such a rough decade, but it's good to hear a happy ending! :) I had a really rough decade too, but plan on 2011 being the year everything turns around!!!

        Good luck to you! Reading this inspired me to believe things can get better.

        Angela

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      3. wow what an amazing and courageous post!!! i give you so much credit and admire your spirit.

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      4. It must have taken a lot to put all this stuff on the internet - you are one brave lady! I had no idea you were married before or that you dealt with depression, so thank you for sharing.

        I'm so sorry you've had to go through so much this past decade! But in a way it's great you did because it's all behind you now and only happy things are coming your way.

        You are an amazing, capable, self-sufficient person and I admire you for that. Happy New Year to you and your hubby! I know that 2011 is going to be a wonderful one for you.

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      5. The hard times make us stronger and you are definitely a strong woman! I just know that 2011 will be a great year for you :)

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      6. Sounds like you had a lot of rough times in the past decade. Your resilience and strength amazes me though! I'm glad you are happy and in a great relationship now, I wish all the best for you for 2011!

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      7. Wow, I love this post. I love your honesty. I am so happy for you. Thanks for sharing all this. I'm so glad you've overcome your challenges and are enjoying life. You totally deserve all your happiness--but you know that already :) I'm looking forward to reading more in 2011. Take care

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      8. you amaze me. i just loved reading this post. which actually sounds weird to me because some of it wasn't happy but i just love reading and knowing how you beat the negative that was once in your life. that makes me smile.

        here's wishing you nothing but the best for the years to come!

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      9. Thank you SO much for sharing this! You are incredibly brave and such a strong woman. The ending is so beautiful and amazing. I cannot wait to have love find me. The rest of your life is only going to get better! :)

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      10. You are SO honest, its amazing! You have overcome so much in the last decade and I wish you all the best for 2011 and beyond!

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      11. Wow. I admire and appreciate your honesty! You have a wonderful testimony. After a decade of trials and tribulations you are now in your happily ever after. Truly a modern day fairy tale!!!

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      12. Gosh you were right, what a decade. If you hadn't have gone through all that then you wouldn't be where you are now right? I'm so glad that you are in a much a happier place in your life. Thank you for sharing with us!

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      13. awww I'm sad I missed this yesterday! I'm glad you were real in it. I read a lot of blogs that I feel have the perfect life/relationship/money situations. I know that's not the case but it's nice hearing you real story and how even though it's been hard throughout the years, it all ended up ok!

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      14. That was one heck of a deep read, wow!!! I am proud of you for your courage and finding LOVE, you seem so much happier, wow! Such an inspiration to others, may God keep you and your new love forever,...Funny, am Nigerian but I enjoy reading your blog...really do!!!

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