|My nephew DJ gets cuter every day|
Looking at those little arms flailing about, that joyful little baby expression and those bright eyes makes my heart melt. Literally. It's in a puddle on the floor right now so I don't even know how I am typing this! If this pic doesn't make you want one of these I don't know what will. That's just the thing though. Babies are more then just a cute picture. I am not a kid person. Never have been. I absolutely did NOT expect to be this enamored by my little nephew. I can't stop talking and thinking about this precious little boy and that kind of scares me. I don't want children. At least I don't think I do. Until I hold him and look at his pictures and feel those maternal instincts tugging at my heart like never before. Babies are so full of life. Sometimes a little too much of it at 2:00 am when my sister would kill for another hour of sleep but still. When you look at their little faces you just see so much hope and possibilities. They are so innocent and have so much living ahead of them. It really is a beautiful thing. And as a parent you get to be a part of that.
But they will not always be babies. They grow into terrible two's and angry adolescents. I have to wonder. Do I just want that cute little baby to call my own and not everything else that goes along with it? There is so much time, energy and money that will go into making that little boy a man. Is that something I want to take on for myself? I am determined to think logically here and not be swayed by emotion. My head says "Hell no I don't want any kids," and my heart says "Yes." But only some of the time. Having a baby changes EVERYTHING and I'm not so sure that I want everything to change. I actually kind of like things the way they are. Mj and I are free to do or not do whatever it is we please. We can travel or just go to he movies without thinking twice. The house is quiet and the only person I have to pick up after is him! What effect might it have on our relationship? I think I'm tired when I get home from work now? Well, the work never ends when you have a little one. Being a stay at home mom likely would not be an option. Going back to work would be so hard and of course there are astronomical child care expenses. Any extra money right can go towards savings, retirement or just ourselves right now but that would not be the case with a child in the mix. I can't even afford ballet lessons for myself so how am I supposed to feed, clothe, support a child AND pay for their extracurricular activities? They want and need so much and I would want to give it to them. Sometimes people jump in without considering these things. People just assume that having a child is what they are "supposed" to do without really considering the option of doing the cost benefit analysis and simply deciding not to. That it might not be the right thing for them. People worry, me included-that a life is incomplete without a child but I don't want to do something just because that's what everybody does and I THINK I might be missing out. I wish I just KNEW for sure either way what I really wanted. I'm not getting any younger here.
I need to baby sit this little guy to see what it feels like but even still I will never know the full enormity of what it is to have a child of my own unless I actually had one. That's the tricky part. It's natural for any woman to have doubts and fears about having a baby but because I am not a woman who has always wanted to be a mother I have to be very careful here. I have to think with my head and not my emotions. It can't be a passing fancy or just a moment. It has to be a desire and a need in order for me to move past those normal doubts. And then there is Mj of course. It has to be a joint decision. He is still at "HELL NO" and despite those maternal feelings I didn't even know I had, most of me is still there too. So for now the answer to the baby question is still no. Whether or not that changes remains to be seen and in the meantime I'll just have to direct all of that revved up maternal energy towards my sweet little nephew. Which won't be too hard-I mean...just look at him!