Every time they call it is a reminder of what I can no longer do and who I will never be and yet telling them to stop is too final. I want them to call even though I know that I am probably in no position to do what they ask. It is this endless cycle of frustration and disappointment followed by acceptance that repeats over and over again without resolution. I have kind of given up on my model ambitions and yet there is still that little dreamer inside of me that hasn’t lost hope. That little dreamer who enters online modeling contests like "Joe's Next Model." That is why I don’t tell my agents that I quit and that is also why when they call me and I inevitably can't make the auditions it makes me sad. I live in the real world-not the one on MTV- which requires me to keep the bills paid which requires me to go to work. It is a sad contradiction that the business of life gets in the way of the living of life and yet they are mutually dependent upon one another to prop up our so called lives that out of necessity often have little tolerance for dreams.
Do I sometimes wish that even in my “advanced” age I could just throw caution to the wind and pursue my dreams? Yes, but I had my chance and it didn’t happen for me. I had my chance and I was not talented enough, reckless enough or bold enough to do whatever it takes. I lead a life where practicality reigns supreme and while I took many chances and put myself out there in ways I would have never thought possible the talent, the luck, and the opportunity never intersected at exactly the precise moment that could have changed everything. And so, I am left with work I have to do and not with work I dreamed of doing. There are so many good things in this life that I cannot regret what wasn’t meant to be. I would only regret never having tried at all. So, I continue on searching for what IS meant to be. I am happy to have accomplished anything at all in modeling so I try not to look at it as a failure that I didn't do more. I got further then a lot of people ever do and you have to consider how tough and unforgiving the business is. I bask in the joys and good times that come my way. There are sad moments that come with the pain of unfulfilled dreams but they do not outweigh or outnumber the good. Having come from a place where happiness was a foreign concept I am truly appreciative of everything I have despite those pangs of loss that pop up now and again. They may or may not ever fade away completely but it definitely gets better and in the meantime I'll just keep moving forward.