1.28.2009

The Power Of Love


Sometimes it scares me that I can no longer picture life without him. There is a before him and an after him and somehow all of the struggles and pain that came before are insignificant in comparison to the happiness that he brings. He adds so much to my life and now that I have that I don’t ever want to be without it again. Just knowing that he loves me makes this world a better place for me. When I hear his laugh, feel his touch, and see his face a sense of comfort and reassurance washes over me. When I am in his presence it is almost impossible to be sad. He makes me want to be better then I am-to fight through the sadness that sometimes threatens to take me down. Being in love is unlike any other feeling in this world. I don’t think it is fully understood just how powerful it can be. It is more then a feeling or emotion and yet those are the only words I can produce in my feeble attempt to explain what cannot be adequately put into words. It is indescribable really. It’s just this incredible wave of emotion that starts in my chest and fills my entire being with joy and light. It is powerful, overwhelming, scary and yet wonderful all at the same time. It is this heavy yet uplifting joyous natural high and there is nothing in this world that compares to it. What is it about being in love that inspires such inexplicable euphoria? I would rather fall in love and have my heart broken ten times then to never experience it at all, but lucky for me I have been fortunate enough not to have to do that. I have been fortunate enough to have met him. I know it without question that he is my soul mate. It feels so right to have him by my side. When we are together I can't seem to get close enough. When we are not together I feel as though a part of me is missing. When we make love I am moved to tears. I love it that it is something we share only with each other and each time feels like a celebration of our love. He is constantly on my mind and in my heart. Despite everything that has come before I was put on this earth to be with this one person and through any obstacle our love will triumph. It has to because I can think of no other alternative in this life that makes any sense. The love I feel for him is this glorious secret that I carry inside of me just bursting to be told but that can never ever be said because no matter how many times I try there simply are not words that could ever do it justice.

Miss Independent

Current mood: happy

I am independent. I have never needed anyone to complete me. I am strong enough to stand on my own two feet and had accepted my lot in life to be one of loneliness. The sunny smile on the outside hiding the sadness that lurks on the inside. Who watches others flourish as I flounder with no expectations for anything more. The shame I feel over my inability to do better is countered by the sense of pride in having the discipline and savvy necessary to get by all on my own. I am capable of doing for myself by myself and yet the prospect of not having to go it alone anymore is so comforting. When he is good to me I feel special. When he buys me something nice it makes me happy. When he does or says something that makes me realize that I don’t have to handle all things all the time alone anymore I feel relieved. When I think of the wonderful person that he is I feel lucky. Now that I am finally getting used to thinking in terms of we instead of I, instead of feeling bleak about my future I feel hopeful. These positive feelings are coupled with a sense of guilt and loss of control. My pride just won’t let me be. I have failed somehow because someone has stepped in and done for me what I have always only done for myself. When I accept him I am accepting a goodness and happiness in my life that I never expected to have and I don’t know what to do with that. It’s been hard to let him in and break down that defensive wall of self reliance that has gotten me through the hard times and become the basis for my identity. So now that I am happy and have accepted kindness from an amazing man what does that make me? Who am I without that hard luck self supporting attitude? It feels good to no longer be the girl who has to go it alone and yet I almost don’t know who I am without that thick layer of armor. It is a positive turn of events in my life and I will happily learn to adjust. I am still going to be me but with just a little less weight on my shoulders. I won’t loose my independence. I am not a taker. I will always be frugal and obsessive in my worries about money and retirement but I am somehow much happier doing it with a loving man by my side. .