7.18.2008

That Falling In Love Feeling



Current Mood:  happy 

I decided that I am an island unto myself. I am untouchable, independent and without the need to be attached to a so called significant other. I have a good life-good friends and family. I support myself-I don't need anyone. I do what I want when I want without having to consider anyone else. My twenties are a thing of the past but I am not sitting at home lamenting my fate as an old maid because despite my single status I am anything but. I can get a date if I want one. I get out and have my fun and then I come home to my nice quiet home where I am subjected to no expectations but by own. I do not want nor do I need to have a plus one. Sentiments of love and togetherness are lost on me. Love is great and all but what happens when the honeymoon is over and love isn't enough? What happens when you put yourself out there and it all blows up in your face? I haven't totally given up on the entire concept but I'm sure not looking for it either because on some level I can no longer figure out what is the point of it all anyways?

Everywhere you turn there is someone either getting divorced or talking about someone that they know who is. Only a very select few have managed to escape this fate and it is beginning to seem that no one is immune. High school sweat hearts, internet romances, friends first, 18 year relationships, to shot gun Vegas weddings. All bets are off it seems when it comes to falling out of love.

I scoff and roll my eyes confident and superior in my ability and willingness to be a 30 something, very independent thank you very much happening single woman. Let them all walk down the aisle like lambs to a slaughter and I will keep my heart to myself. Dating is cool, but mostly just for something to do and because I enjoy meeting new people. Ok, so maybe deep down I can't help but wonder if there just might be that one that would come along and make me think twice about my singledom after all, the desire for companionship and monogamy is practically in my DNA, but I really doubt it.

So, let them like me-or not-but damned if I will like them back. Let's keep it casual and nobody gets hurt. I'll call you but don't expect me to talk to you every day. If I feel that you might like me just a little too much for comfort then I am likely to retreat. There is a certain freedom in casual dating. Go out and have a good time but at the end of the night you owe nothing to no one. There are no complications and no wasted energy on soul searching and what if's. No heartache. No treacherous slippery slope to wedded bliss.

I have adopted this cavalier attitude out of necessity. I actually would like to meet that perfect person for me but I am torn between that desire to find "the one" and my skepticism that such a phenomenon could even exist for me at this point in my life. There is nothing specifically that can be said or done to change the rules. I won't waste your time or mine….I know when to back off even if you don't. It doesn't matter how fine you are, how much money you make or what car you drive. I'm just looking for company because I figure I'm not likely to find anything else. It's nothing personal…it's just that I know what it's like to have that "feeling." It's either there or it's not. It doesn't take me too long to figure it out and I am certainly not going to go through the whole song and dance for anything less. I didn't really expect to ever get it back again…until I did.

There is something about that smile that has this magical way of giving me strength and energy that wasn't there before. There is something so different and uniquely wonderful about him then all of the others that have come before. I am resistant and uncomfortable with this turn of events. Skepticism slowly gives way to hope. It takes me a while to accept that such a thing could really be happening…but lo and behold it actually is and I am finding that I am all but powerless to stop it and the craziest thing of all is that I am enjoying every minute.

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